"I mean, *I* read Cosmo"

Mikey: so
as it turns out, it's hard to get teenage boys to read
Michael: hmmm
you're discovering this?
Mikey: well, it's obvious
but that's not my point
the girls all get really smutty books
Michael: o?
Mikey: "On the plus side, I'm now the girlfriend of a sex god"
it's British, funny (supposedly) and really, really popular
Michael: wow
that's... interesting
Mikey: I mean, it's sort of questionable
Michael: this is only part of the reason as to why I could never teach High School
Mikey: though in my school, we're just happy that anybody is reading anything and enjoying enough to recommend
but - why are all these books only for girls?
assuming the market is effective, it means boys don't want to read smutty novels
Michael: well, yeah
partially, boys are dumb, but I think there is a biological reason
or something
I mean, haven't studies shown boys more visually oriented?
women more orally oriented
like words and such
Mikey: yeah, but I mean, we're already limiting it to reading material
like, they have to read SOMETHING
and, I think, they generally choose action/suspense/sports over sexier stuff
Michael: o, ok
yeah
I don't know, I guess sexy reading is considered kinda girly?
I mean, I think of it as girly
not that it makes sense
Mikey: yeah, I mean, I agree with you
for what it's worth, the boys are kind of fascinated by it
but won't read it
like Cosmo, too, I guess
Michael: yeah
well, never made any sense to me
I mean, I read Cosmo
it's really way sexier than Maxim
Mikey: yeah, well, Maxim sucks
but we're not normal people.
but I mean - I guess boys don't want to read about 'regular kids'
I mean, or watch them, either
there aren't stories about high school boys doing high school stuff
except maybe some sports
Michael: yeah
well, there used to be
uh
that TV show
Mikey: Freaks and geeks?
Michael: no
old one
saved by the bell
Mikey:yeah, but that was still mostly a girls' show
Michael: o... yeah
right...
I knew that
Mikey: I mean, I watched it
and it was a cultural icon
Michael: yeah, but you're right in general
I mean, do the boys read their school work?
I didn't read in High School
Mikey: Well, the other thing is, when you kick past teen lit and into adult lit, it's all about boys again
Michael: I don't think I read anything ever during the school year, that wasn't assigned
Mikey: I mean, if you're a precocious 13 year old, you can really like Catcher in the Rye

Well, he wasn't really the hero

Chris: OMG Mikey, you won't believe this
Mikey: what up?
Chris: i just wrote you an email, check it out

[Email starts here]

Yo Mikey! Dude, I was watching Resident Evil: Apocolypse last night 

(number two in the series) and you won't believe 

who makes a cameo. None other than Craig's very own pimp-diggity cousin, 

the crazy, the illustrious, DAY-DAY [Mike Epps]!!!  

It was probably the best appearance ever in a movie. 

Basically the town is overrun by flesh eating zombies, and only a 

few people are left, somehow Day-Day has yet to get eaten,

and he makes a stand against them with a few select other individuals.  

Only he plays basically the same role he had in Friday; 

there was one scene I laughed so hard at. 

He's running into a building to take cover, 

and finds a group of special tactics police members hiding out as well, 

the leader hands Day-Day a shot gun, and he looks at him and says:  

"Psshh, please, I don't need that, my shit is CUSTOM."  

At which point he lifts up his shirt to expose 

two gold plated handguns tucked into his belt. What a pimp.  

Looks like Baby-D wouldnt be chasing him around

if he was packin that kind of heat on Friday!

[end of email]

Mikey: that's awesome
Chris: It was pretty much the best thing ever
Mikey: overrun by zombies, America needs a hero
Chris: well, he wasn't really the hero, just tagged along with some real bad-asses
Chris: there was a great scene when this evil guy tried getting in their helicopter to escape, and says to the driver (who happened to be Day-Day) "Can't this thing take off any faster?"
And Day-Day goes: "I usually drive a Cadillac, BITCH" and punches him in the face

A total drag

Mikey: http://www.purityvow.com/heart2heart.htm

[NOTE: at the time this was a link to a locket one would buy promising abstinence until the key to the locket was given to her by her father on her wedding day]

now that's messed up

Gailon that lie comes straight from satan

SATAN

Mikey: which lie?

Gailon I don't know

that article said that at the beginning

something about sex education

Mikey:kids shouldn't know about sex

I mean, think about it

what are the odds of getting it in the right spot if you're just guessing?

Gailon seriously, and half the fun is figuring it out for yourself

Mikey: and I mean, it's not like the girl can help you.

because girls don't experience sexual pleasure.

Gailon right

that's why it's best if young people learn about sex from rumors

that's where I learned that chewing gum while doing it prevents pregnency

I don't know how many babies I prevented that way!

(spearmint gum!)

Mikey: oh yeah, that's definitely true

but you know what's a damn lie?

that homosexuality prevents pregnancy.

it doesn't.

I don't know how it doesn't.

but it's just as dangerous.

Gailon more dangerous

that's how Satan makes babies

Mikey: you're right

I mean, the important thing is

if I have a daughter

and I mean if, since I'm praying for only boys

you konw, the good gender

I'm gonna buy one of those heart things

and tie it, so it STAYS, around her knees

that'll make sure the key does its job

Gailon ha

a new age foot binding!

knee binding!

not as painful or disfiguring

but equally as limiting

she shouldn't be playing sports anyway

Mikey: that Mia Hamm has ruined more lives that coke and disco music

Gailon that's the truth

these days

all you can hope for is that your daughter's is ugly or her self image is so ruined she won't 'hook up'

I mean at least we can count on the modern media for that

Mikey: I don't care if she's ugly or not. That's what the burqa is for

I mean the jesus robe

Gailon yeah

Mikey: also creepy about that thing is that there definitely seems to be a pseudoincestuous backstory.

Gailon in the whole parent covonent thing?

it is creepy

Mikey: yeah

like, I am your father, and your hymen belongs to me

Gailon yeah

Mikey: I mean, I'm not wrong, right? That is connoted there

Gailon yeah

but I guess I was thinking of the mother when I read it

I Don't know why

it is clearly for the father

giving away the daughter at the wedding

creepy stuff

Mikey: "Instead, kids will meet casually with the intent of having sex. In doing so there is no commitment, no discipline, no regard for the precious creation of God that a girl is. It minimizes her to a hunk of flesh usable for a good time. This is the deepest degradation of a woman."

see, this entirely discounts the possibility of female sexual enjoyment

I mean, either they're just flat out duckspeaking, or else...

they ACTUALLY don't know it exists

Gailon yeah

it's insane

Mikey: I wonder what the recognition rate is, nationwide, of the existence of the clitoris.

broken down by state

Gailon ha

that can be part of my book on the states

the female orgasm section

maybe that's a simpler reason why women vote for Democrats

Mikey: because we treat them like we don't resent the fact they have the vote?

Gailon right, and their smarter

but after those reasons

maybe they just know they'll have better sex?

Mikey:Well, to be fair, the best sex I've ever had has been under a Republican Administration

er....all of it

I'll have to see what it's like

Gailon see?

you don't know what you're missing man!

hey... neither do I!

Mikey: it is possible that sex is better when the government doesn't like it

I mean, think of 1998.

The President would probably have been having better sex than you

that's a drag

Everyone knows that.

Mikey: anyway, [my girlfriend] got Civ 4.

so, in a turn of events that is ironic enough for Dante, I could be a video-game widower.

Mike: awesome!

I'm pretty sure that this is an opportunity

Mikey: to?

Mike: you have the opportunity to give oral sex while your girlfriend plays a video game, which would be the ultimate in karma accumulation

you would be guaranteed to be, like, I don't know

an NFL analyst in your next life

Mikey:sweet

oh, so I had an idea

I think you, me, and Chris should become paranormal investigators

Mike: really?

like ghosts?

can we wear cool backpacks?

don't we need to have someone who knows, y'know, physics?

or chemistry?

or ANY science?

(political does NOT count)

Mikey: I was thinking less ghosts and more like, semi-real animals

say, bigfoot

dinosaurs

stuff like that

we're not really here to explain things

Mike: that'd be cool

Chris could wear a bigfoot suit

Mikey:uhoh

he'd probably have a girl-bigfoot fall in love with him

or a boy-bigfoot

not sure

anyway, we need a sidekick

probably some low-level monster

Mike: umm

real monster?

or do you mean like a dog we never bathe?

Mikey: a real monster

like Slimer or something

are there any monsters in Alaska?

Mike: I don't think so

we should have one though

Mikey: even an Alaskan Yeti or something

well, we need to invent one

then phone in a bunch of sightings

then go into town to hunt it

declare victory, write a book, and profit!

Mike: excellent idea

we should do it outside Nome

Mikey: why there?

Mike: I don't know

the people up there must be bored

they'd love a good monster

Mikey:how far up is Nome?

Mike: umm

pretty far

Mikey: sweet

so, what are you thinkg?

ex-extinct animal?

alien?

demon?

Mike: ooo

a good demon

Mikey: yeah

some kind of snow-demon

like the ones from Warcraft

Mike: yeah

that's easy to fake

there's snow everywhere

Mikey: maybe some type of Wendigo

Mike: and most of it is haunted

Mikey: right

we do need some dead animals that it 'killed'

Mike: of course

and some good video footage

Mikey: give it an ambiguous tie-in to some native american folklore

perhaps in a non-existant tribe

the Chinaquois.

Mike: of course

they were all about the snow demons

Mikey: whenever the Chinaquois went on a walrus hunt, they'd always leave the tusks to placate the monster.

Mike: true

that's very true

Mikey: the monster does need a name

Mike: whatever it is, it should translate to white devil

Mikey: so when the Russians first met the Chinaquois, they thought they were demons?

Mike: yeah

that makes sense

Mikey: It could be the..

H'nkra'ker

or Honkraken

Hon-Kraken

Mike: but isn't a kraken some kind of water beast?

Mikey: maybe this could be a water-beast. Or like, a semi-aquatic monster

that would be why walrus-hunts were so important

Mike: ok

ummm

were walrus hunts important?

Mikey: well, the Chinaquois thought they were

Mike: right

of course

Mikey: maybe it's coming onto land because of pollution

over-fishing

fish farming?

Mike: ooo

pollution

has caused it to move away from traditional grounds

Mikey: so now it hunts...man...

after we catch it, we should explain it with some rational-but-weird idea

Mike: rational?

so it needs to be some prehistoric beast?

Mikey: something like that

Mike: a separate evolutionary chain

Mikey: like, not a true 'demon' or 'monster'

Mike: that evolved on the edge of civilization

Mikey: but something equally fantasy

the snow-octopus

Mike: some modified polar bear

long lost polar bear ancestor

Mikey: they usually stay buried, but this one had a serious case of gigantism

and, since everyone knows octopuses are really smart, maybe we should be alarmed

Mike: right

octupuses are brilliant

everyone knows that

Mikey: so maybe they're learning how to hunt bigger game

Mike: or even? and I'm not saying this is really proven, but y'know its possible, we've seen examples in nature before... even looking for revenge

and by 'in nature' I mean in the Jaws movies